Wednesday, April 5, 2006

Inanimate objects are out to get me

Today was an unusually quiet day. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, this means I get to catch up on all of the administrative stuff that isn't time-sensitive. Like filing. Hole-punching. Making photocopies. Dealing with the e-mail system to make the search functions all that they can be.

So, needless to say, I can do all of these tasks without utilizing 100% of my brain. This leaves me to daydream, make lists in my head, plan my weekend, whatever. Oh yeah, and sing.

Yes, I sing in my office because I CAN! I sing softly, because the walls are so thin that if I were to fart, you could smell it in the offices next to me. This does not mean that I farted in my office and then ran next door to see if I could smell it, I am using hyperbole. [Mom: I NEVER fart. I am the PERFECT example of what a lady should be. You have not failed as a mother.]

So, while I'm alphabetizing stuff for easier filing, which is a necessity at this point. If you saw how much filing I have to do, you would cry. I am 5' 1 1/2", and the filing I have to do, if I were to stack it all on top of another is ALMOST as tall as I am. Good thing I'm not that tall, right? (Just for the record, there is enough work to keep me working 20 hours of overtime a week, MINIMUM. But I LOVE my job!)

Anyway, I'm singing the alphabet song, because I am so lame that I can't place the letters without it. Like, I know "U" comes before "Z" but what are the letters right before and after?

I bet you're singing the song, too. We've all been indoctrinated since preschool to sing this song. So enjoy it; I do.

So, I get up to go and wash my hands before I go home for lunch and I turn on the water. I find out that it is SCALDING hot (!) as I put my hand in it. My hand did a terrific impression of a lobster, post-boil, and turned an angry shade of red. From being under the water for a fraction of a second. Ow!

Ok, fast forward to late afternoon. I go to my friend, the photocopier. We've spent hours and hours and hours together. We are the closest of friends. He works hard for me, I refill his paper. It's a mutually satisfying relationship. So, today's job for Mr. Photocopier (we have a working, professional relationship) was a bunch of short copies; all 3 pages, stapled. Not hard, right?

About three quarters of the way though, my stapler runs out of staples. (I have to staple the originals, since the feeder won't staple them when they're done being copied.) I reach for the magical supply cabinet of goodness, and find these wierd, bent-in-the-middle staples. I reload my stapler, staple one original, and then - I'm shooting blanks! There are staples IN the stapler, but none of them are coming out!

I look at my treacherous stapler, and begin to swear softly under my breath [Mom: I NEVER swear. Ever.] I take the staples out of the stapler, and while I am putting the staples away, ready to call it a day at 5:45, I see the BRIGHT RED box of "standard" staples. I put them in the previously treacherous stapler, and he begins working just fine again. It turns out that I am the stupid one, not the stapler. Damn! [Mom: read "Gracious, me!"]

So, I drive home, and my Tivo isn't working. How does one live without Tivo? I shudder at the thought. I call Tivo tech support, and we fix the problem in less than 15 minutes. What was the problem?

I turn on the TV to catch up on some Law & Order, and there is a yellow screen, with cartoon pieces of paper blowing in the wind. But paused. It was all very abstract and post-modern. But alas, nothing was paused and none of the Tivo functions were, well, functioning.

The solution? Unplug the Tivo. Wait 60 seconds. Plug the Tivo back in. Problem solved.

At least my shower wasn't evil. It was just the right temperature (aaahh...), and my laptop seems to be operating normally.

Ok, time to eat and watch Criminal Minds.

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